I’ve been trying to write “the perfect first post” for months now and there are more abandoned drafts on my substack dashboard than I care to admit.
I speak very openly about my experiences in love and loss but when it comes to putting it in written form for public consumption I get lost. So many rambling complicated stories I’ve deleted or diluted down to what “makes sense” or what I think people want to hear. I lose my voice and then it all becomes “live laugh love”. Without the dirt under the nails of it all it’s just another inauthentic collection of words and then what’s the point? There’s plenty of that out in the world and the truth is I’ve already done that. In another life I wrote about recipes, work outs, and words of wisdom from a very empty place. I’ve also written palatable bite sized updates about the beauty found in the pain of living with someone who is dying with two middle fingers in the air, focusing on the why and the love and the romance. I wasn’t intentionally being “dishonest” I was just doing what I am good at doing. Painting a picture, putting on a great outfit accessorizing with a happy face, tying a funny bow around the truth and making other people feel better about my pain and theirs too.
I am sort of a professional at “being ok” while managing chaos, keeping things moving, taking care of others needs, emotions, insecurities, fears ( you name it ) while I’m basically dead inside because I’ve been doing it my whole life. So here I am in what I’m calling my third chapter doing things differently. After 1-2 mid life crises, countless existential crises, a few career shifts, birth, so much loss and a few (financial, emotional, geographical, logistical, romantic..) jams I am really only interested in seeking and speaking the truth.
Next week it will be three years since Gabriel, my partner, father of my son Ruckus, and husband of 3 days, died. It’s the three year anniversary of the end of an extremely complicated layered love story with many chaotic twists, turns and lessons upon lessons. It’s also the third year of me stepping in to my own and an optimism I couldn’t have for what felt like an eternity which has brought me to this draft that will be posted. There is no perfect post. The “perfect post” would be misaligned to the sum of the crazy experiences I’ve lived through and who I am because of them. I am not perfect and my imperfections are what make me, me. They are what’s gotten me everywhere I’ve been, given me my beautiful son and continue to take me everywhere I’m going.
Throughout my relationship with Gabriel and in the 3 years since he has been gone I’ve spent a lot of time trying to explain him, our relationship and the fiery love and rage I felt for him. I’ve attempted to resolve his conflicts, clean up his messes, and apologize for the battles he chose and neglected while he was fighting for his life. Perhaps all in hopes that it would help me make him, and the grief and all of it make sense so I could move forward with peace. For the first time in a VERY long time I am single and really sitting with myself and the truth when the grief waves come crashing. I am learning every day that there is no resolve or closure. What was, was. What is, is. Humans are flawed. Life is fragile and every moment is fleeting. Hearts contract and expand. Love and loss and grief are non linear and time really does not heal all wounds.
I think Christopher Walkin said it best- “Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the good moments spent with them.”
There are stories upon stories and I will continue writing them all down with spontaneity and honesty. Sharing and dancing, with limps and wounds into this third chapter of my life.
Heartbreakingly beautiful. ♥️
With so much respect for what’s come before, here’s to your third chapter, and that awesome small human in your life.
So beautifully said and inspiring.
So happy you’re starting a new venture. 😘